We are what we love.

Doing a blog and keeping up with a thirty day at home retreat isn't easy. Especially when you aren't home. Anyway, I'm back and will try to stay on track.

Still following John of the Cross, I have had the chance to reevaluate lots of things in my life. The above statement regarding what we we love is a sure fire way to get the mind rolling. It requires that we look at all the things we hold dear and then determine if we want to be remember or even recognized by them. I know that I have renewed my evening TV habits to exclude lots of shows that I thought I couldn't live without because a careful scrutiny of their plots and scripts didn't truly reflect who I am or how I want to be perceived. The lack of: toleration for others; references to equality; love; respect for others; and a cacophony of other things demonstrated to me that they aren't who I am. In fact, on occasion I have found that I was becoming like the characters rather than just seeing them as they were, fictitious.

My love for others is too strong to be put into a simple blog, but I have found that I really do have respect and love, even for those who have hurt me badly. I have learned from them and have put these lessons into good use. Too often pain accompanies us on our journey through life and that is not what God wanted for us. He has given us the chance to demonstrate our willingness to follow His example and find the good in even the worst of situations. If He can find good in the death of His Son, then we certainly have no excuse. Here is the conundrum. How can pain offer us hope? I think that we center ourselves on the actual pain rather than the cause or result. Pain is transitory, but living through it and getting past it is a permanent part of our own existence. People say we learn from pain and I have found that to be true. The difference is that we not only learn what causes it, but we learn about ourselves and how we deal with things that upset our daily equilibrium. Love isn't a cure all but if we approach all things from the perspective of God's gift, then we can learn to love them and we become a little more like the person God created.

Let go of what you know - John of the Cross

This day has lasted lots longer than 24 hours. I have really had a tough time with this directive. Letting go is hard enough, but letting go of what one knows is trumatic. I have spent many hours looking internally at my life and the things that I think I know for sure. It turns out that these things have been keeping my soul grounded and not allowing me to soar as God has directed me. Realizing that things which I would have fought to prove were absolutes were just "straw" as St. Thomas Aquinas would say. It was all straw that dries up and is blow away with the first breeze.

Internal searching is very difficult and facing the fact that I don't really know anything has been hard. Studies have kept me busy but without letting go of my personal agenda, they have proven to be tedious instead of educating. I have found that doing without such things as tv has given me much more time to reflect and relax with God. I don't know where all this finally end but I know that it will end happily.

Beware the beam in your own eye - John of the Cross

As I ponder this metaphor about looking at others and judging them while not taking the same critical view of oneself, I find that I have a problem. I do look at others and view them with a very harsh eye. I have always been quick to judge and jump to conclusions. Why, I don't think that I have the answer. I could always blame my upbringing and environment, but that seems to be too easy. I could say that I have been uncomfortable and uneasy about how I am perceived by others, but that would be too harsh. I think that my true issue is that I have an inward air of superiority that has been fostered by my continuing self-doubt.

All of my life, I have tried to live up to images that I perceived others saw me as, but now realize that they didn't even think of me at all. It was my own inability to have self-assurance that caused me to become critical. It is easier to find fault with others, at the same time directing attention away from oneself, then it is to take an in depth look into one's own heart.

This seems harsh but it really isn't. I am not saying that I feel I have been a bad person or that there is something intrinsically wrong with me. What I am realizing is that I haven't always been honest with myself and have covered my lack of honesty with a veil of criticism for others. This veil has enabled me to hide and hopefully kept others from seeing through it and me, thus recognizing my insecurity.

J0hn speaks of humility as if it were a goal. It isn't a goal, but it is a way of life. One doesn't have to denigrate oneself in order to demonstrate how humble one is. In fact, this is not at all what John was trying to convey. Instead, one should be able to feel comfortable about oneself and this will be reflected in one's mannerisms and actions. There is no humility in using others to find self-assurance or worth. John wants us to take an honest look into our own soul's and find the true person that God has made us and wants us to be.

"We know that as long as we are ensnared by our attachments to creatures we will be incapable of union with God." John of the Cross

I have begun a 30 day Spiritual retreat based on the Classic Spirituality of John of the Cross. Each day I will reflect on a passage of the book that has some meaning to me. Some days I may continue on the reflection from the day before.

There has been lots going on in my life the past month and it has really led me to some dark places. I reflect on what is the cause; how can I change it; and does it have an effect on my life with God? It's funny that many things can move us quickly away from God and into a dark place where we begin to concentrate on the negatives of life rather than on the positive gifts we already have enjoyed and possess.

After some quiet time I began to realize that I didn't cause any of my reasons for begin in this dark space nor do I have any real ability to change them. I can only do what is best and I must then turn to the One who has always been there for me and has always held me close. Doing this, I realize that without His help and comfort I am lost and going nowhere. I don't want to fully isolate myself from those who are in suffering, but I must be strong enough to not let them lead me away from Him who loves me more than I can imagine.

It isn't always a breathing creature that causes separation for me, but I find that things like television or any other form of amusement can keep me from Him. Not that I watch bad things, but I could be spending that time reading, reflecting, or just spending quiet time in prayer. I have choices and sometimes I don't make the best. We all face this problem and have to make concerted efforts to stay the course. I pray that over the next 30 days I will be able to maintain my exercises and remain faithful to my convictions and He who is always with me.

Enjoying the holiday with family is priceless. Sitting around and playing games really shows the true personalities of the family members. Mine too unfortunately. A great Easter night.

There is much to be said about being a close family and enjoying similar things, but there is also something to be said about the individuality of each person. I think, and this is my musings, that it is imperative that everyone maintain their own identity. Giving too much to others in order to fit in can steal the soul of a person. One finds oneself alone, without any way to find out what they really are made of or feel. That is a very lonely existence.

Over the years I have noticed that there are people who go out of their way to create a constant stir around them. They try to appear out of sorts or not happy in an effort to bring those that come in contact with them down also. I hope that I don't give off that vibration.